What could be true about that person's life?

Back in episode 19 of The Follow-Up Question, I interviewed Dr. Liane Davey, author of the book The Good Fight.

Liane and I discussed what it looks like to “get beneath the facts in an argument” and instead recognize how emotions cause so many of the BIG feelings we feel when we disagree.

I asked Liane what to do when we feel the swell of emotions that rise up when we see or hear something that strikes a nerve — when we want to lash out and let our opinions be known.

And she told me during our chat that she likes to “spend a moment thinking about what’s been true in this person’s life that they feel that way?”

It reminded me of a man I saw at the post office in December 2020 at the height of the pandemic.

He was frustrated that the package he had mailed a couple of weeks earlier to his family in another state hadn’t arrived yet. He was clearly very agitated and was letting the post office manager — and everyone else within earshot — know it.

My initial thought was, “Who does this guy think he is? He’s a narcissist. He’s a jerk. He’s wasting everyone’s time.”

But then I thought, “What could be true in his life that he would be acting this way?”

Perhaps he was stressed out about the pandemic and was nervous about being out in public. I mean, let’s face it, none of us had any idea what we were doing during first year of the COVID-19 pandemic — many many of us still don’t!

Then, my mind went a little deeper. Perhaps, I thought, the thing he had mailed to his family was an important memento of someone who had passed away, and he wasn’t able to make the funeral service.

Just like I wasn’t able to attend the funeral service of my own grandmother in the spring of 2020.

You see, the phenomenon that I initially displayed in judging this man’s character by his actions at that moment is what’s called “fundamental attribution error.”

According to SimplyPsychology.org, “people have a cognitive bias to assume that a person’s actions depend on what ‘kind’ of person that person is rather than on the social and environmental forces that influence the person.”

Said another way, we tend to judge people’s entire character based on their actions in a singular moment, and when the tables are turned and we’re the ones having a meltdown at the post office, we want nuance, grace, and understanding of the totality of who we are.

We know all the reasons we cut that person off in traffic.

“I was late to work for the third day in a row.”

“I had a fight with my spouse and I wasn’t paying close attention to my driving.”

If we can force ourselves, like Liane said, to pause and consider the potential causes of another human being’s feelings, emotions, and actions, we can perhaps invite a little bit of empathy into our minds.

And a little bit of empathy can perhaps shine a light on some common ground.

I don’t know the man at the post office and I don’t know his story. But also, I don’t judge his character for that moment in time when I witnessed his behavior that day.

Perhaps the next time you see someone who disagrees with you about vaccines or the economy or border security — or whatever the topic happens to be — you can ask yourself the questions that reveal the same grace for them that you would want for yourself.