The importance of building rapport before difficult conversations
Years ago, I had to stop watching one of my favorite shows, Around the Horn, which aired in the afternoons on ESPN.
The original idea for the show was to have four journalists from around the country discuss the issues of the day in the sports world, and a moderator (Tony Reali at the time) would give each reporter points for the well-thought-out ideas and perspectives they shared.
The reporter with the most points by the end would get uninterrupted airtime to talk about whatever topic was on their mind.
But I had to quit that show because it lost its way.
What started out as reporters trying to deliver nuanced and insightful perspectives quickly crashed and burned into mindless arguing, one-upping, and posturing in an effort to win the most points and claim victory.
I suppose I shouldn’t have been too surprised that it took this turn based on the show’s format.
What bothered me was that it borrowed the playbook from the political and “news” shows that litter other cable TV channels and brought it to my beloved sports world, which was supposed to be my safe haven from the Crossfire-style programs.
Around the Horn and other shows like it create conflict for no reason but to create conflict — offering no resolution other than someone wins and everyone else loses. And in turn, they give the impression that this is how you are supposed to approach conversations when disagreement exists.
I know Around the Horn is for entertainment purposes, but the producers of that show took a page from just about every other show you’d see on Fox News, CNN, or MSNBC and added the element of competition.
Shows like this send the message that difficult conversations where disagreements exist are battles to be won, and the more you listen and consider another perspective, the more likely you are to lose.
And when this happens, you neglect critical elements of productive conflict communication — namely rapport-building and empathy.
I’m in the final stages of writing the draft for my new book, and in going back through all of the interviews I’ve done so far on my podcast, The Follow-Up Question, a quote from John Noltner in episode 62 exemplified this behavior.
”So often we forget to do the groundwork and build the foundation for having these difficult conversations,” John told me. “And so instead, we jump right into the fire and we’re surprised when we get burned.”
John, who has spent the last several years traveling the United States collecting peoples’ stories for his A Peace of My Mind project, underscored the importance of building rapport and how damaging it is to conversation when you skip this step.
Rapport-building — getting to know someone’s story even when you disagree with a particular opinion or belief they might hold — is an organic process that requires being present in the moment and taking risks by sharing personal experiences and by asking questions.
Conversations where rapport is first built offer space where we can start to see each other as more than just an opinion and move forward together.
As I’ve stated many times in this newsletter and on my podcast, simply understanding a viewpoint that’s different from your own does not mean you agree with it or even condone it. But it does create empathy, it reveals humanity, and it opens up space to create solutions to big problems.
Around the Horn lost me when it stopped being a show about building on each individual reporter’s ideas to create a balanced view of an issue and it succumbed to a broken model of communication and conversation that serves no other purpose but to divide.
The next time you disagree with someone, remember no points are awarded by how many jabs and shots you land. In the world outside of cable TV, that approach only gets you burned.
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