Digitally direct: Tailoring your message to deliver clarity and kindness
A 13-year emergency room nurse reached out to me a couple of weeks ago and shared that when she communicated digitally with her colleagues (email, text, Slack, etc.), “I often come across as ‘too direct,’ and my words are taken the wrong way.”
That line stopped me.
Not because it’s unusual, but because it’s far too common, especially among professionals trying to manage and lead from across a device screen rather than face-to-face.
When you’re in-person with someone, you intuitively pick up on physical cues that allow you to adjust and tailor the tone and delivery of your message right there in the moment — even when the message is direct and to-the-point.
A head nod. A furrowed brow. A questioning tone.
But when communication is digital and dispersed — especially in fast-paced environments where communication is quick and pressure-packed — directness can create misunderstandings and even conflict.
What’s more, the nuances of “softening” your message can feel inefficient or even disingenuous.
What follows is the advice I gave the ER nurse to help navigate these challenges, and I hope they help you, as well.
The problem with being digitally “too direct”
The nurse told me that she works across multiple clinics. Face-to-face interactions are rare, so much of the communication happens through email and chat.
Here’s what else she described:
She’s often told her messages are too blunt.
The high-stakes world of the emergency room made direct communication a survival skill.
Her coworkers are also direct, which sometimes escalates misunderstandings.
Most clinics are minimally staffed, so everyone is juggling tasks and only able to respond in brief spurts.
Despite leadership trying to foster connection through social activities, work talk often gets sidelined.
Her concerns boiled down to this:
“Is our way of communicating creating a division in our workplace?”
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Clear is kind
In my response to the nurse, I didn’t advise her to sugarcoat or “fluff” her communication. Instead, I offered this: Clear is kind.
In digital, asynchronous communication, often all it takes to be clear without coming off as demanding or rude is to pay attention to how you structure your message.
Here are a few specific tactics to help ensure your message lands well:
1. Separate Facts from Opinion
Lead with facts: “Here's what I know…”
Then, offer your take and make it clear it’s your opinion: “Given that, I think we should…”
This structure helps the recipient follow your thinking and reduces the risk of your message feeling like a directive or judgment.
2. Invite Feedback (When Appropriate)
If the decision isn’t final or the topic warrants collaboration, explicitly write: “I’d love to hear other perspectives on this.”
This softens your tone and opens the door for dialogue.
Remember, continuously ask yourself, “What could I be missing?'“
3. Use the 'Fresh Eyes' Test
Before hitting send, pause just for a moment. Re-read your message as if you’re the recipient seeing it for the first time.
Ask: “If I knew nothing else, how might I interpret this?” This mental pause can highlight phrases that may feel abrupt or unclear.
4. Label Your Emotions
Instead of relying on punctuation (!!!) or formatting (ALL CAPS) to convey emotion, be explicit:
“I’m frustrated that this isn’t resolved yet — not angry, just want to understand what’s blocking it.”
“Excited about where this is going. Just a few concerns to work through.”
Emotional transparency adds context and reduces misinterpretation.
5. When It Really Matters, Use Video
There are quick video recording tools out there that are great for conveying tone, emotion, and nuance that text just can’t deliver. If the message is important or sensitive, a short video can completely shift how it's received.
Final thoughts: Communication is a skill, not a personality
Being direct isn’t a flaw. It’s often a strength, especially in crisis work. But adapting that skill to different environments takes intentionality.
This ER nurse’s story is a powerful reminder that your communication styles are often shaped by your professional conditioning, and that adapting them isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about aligning how you intend to show up with how you’re actually being perceived.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too direct,” don’t write that off as a character flaw. See it as a signal and a cue to explore how your words are received and how you might adjust for clarity, connection, and collaboration.
Want personalized, 1:1 help improving your leadership and executive communication skills and presence? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your leadership communications coach.
