Are you preventing change in others?

I’m fascinated by the circumstances that cause someone to change their habits and beliefs, and how often we work against ourselves and our goals.

One of the funniest (most frustrating?) things about change is we’re really good at pointing out the need for others to change, but we’re not so hot about pointing the finger back at ourselves. Which is understandable — you have a bias for yourself, just like I have a bias for myself.

But there’s another more dangerous and insidious way we sabotage change, and it has to do with our unwillingness to let others change.

You see, the older I get, the more distance is created between some of my relationships of the past.

There are plenty of people I once knew in high school or college, or former coworkers at jobs I held years ago, that I haven’t connected with in any meaningful way for quite some time.

Sure, I might follow them on Instagram or LinkedIn, but that’s surface-level stuff.

Here’s the rub: Because of the distance and space between us, those people are the same people in my mind that they were all those years ago. It’s like they're stuck in a time capsule in my mind, and whenever I think about them, they remain the same to me while I’ve aged and (hopefully) matured.

Because of our lack of meaningful connection, I have no concept of whether or not they have grown and evolved as people. I can assume that they have, but my core opinions of them from when I was much more connected to them remain frozen in a long-ago time.

You see where I’m going with this?

Let me give you an example.

Years ago, a man — we’ll call him Stuart — became my new boss. I knew Stuart from previous interactions with him, as we worked in the same industry at different companies. I was initially excited to get to work with him.

However, my working relationship with Stuart turned sour in a hurry. He played favorites, he made unfair decisions that hurt other members of the team, he rejected feedback, and he was vindictive if his decisions were questioned.

Stuart and I did not get along, and ultimately, I was let go.

Now, I fully admit. I deserved it. I actively worked against Stuart, and that’s not OK.

Years have passed since Stuart and I butted heads and I lost. He and I have both gone on to different roles at different companies, and I haven’t said a word to him ever since.

For the longest time, in my mind, Stuart remained the jerk that I knew from my abbreviated time working alongside and for him.

He became a caricature of a “bad person” in my life.

Admittedly, Stuart could still be all those things. I truly have no idea. As I said, I have had zero contact with him for years.

But let’s play a game and pretend Stuart and I randomly bump into each other at a coffee shop. Let’s say he was none of those things I had previously experienced him to be — he had turned his management style around and was a far more fair and empathetic leader.

Without knowing him and without having been connected to him for years, the hurdle Stuart would have to clear to get me to see him for the changed person he had become would be darn near insurmountable in most instances.

Unless...

Unless I leaned into the belief that people can change and assume that most people have positive intent.

I’m not saying you or I need to be naive and wear rose-colored glasses about who and what people are and what they have done. That’s unfair to us.

But I am saying that we need to be more intentional about giving people the space to change from how their past selves exist within our minds.

Far too often, we trap people into the box of who they once were despite their best efforts to actually change. We may not even like them or agree with them, but it is important to recognize people for who they currently are and not a past version of themselves.

I’ve heard this from the former extremists I’ve interviewed, and I’ve seen it on social media when someone’s past behavior is brought to light, and the firestorm that erupts attacks the past version of that person rather than who they have become since then.

You might have a “Stuart” in your life. Maybe from a previous job. Or perhaps a family member you’ve grown apart from over the years remains stuck in your mind of the person they once were.

I do believe people can change, and I want to give them the space to prove that change is real. But for that to fully happen, I have to admit that my beliefs about them might also need to change.

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