5 things you (likely) weren't taught about communication
Think back to your time in school and the lessons you learned.
Did you ever take a public speaking or debate class?
What about a writing class in high school or college where you had to compose a persuasive essay?
When I asked these questions last week during my presentation at Hubspot’s INBOUND Conference, nearly every single hand went up in a room of about 300 people.
Now, let me ask you this...
Did you ever take a class on listening? Or a class on how to ask curious questions?
If you’re anything like the audience last week, the chances are quite low that you ever had a class that covered these crucial parts of communication. In fact, the smattering of people who raised their hands were journalism majors in college like me, where interviewing was a required course (obviously).
The unfortunate truth is most of us were never taught what it looks like and sounds like to communicate well.
We were taught how to exert our ideas on others and how to present our ideas with certainty, but rarely was the other part of conversation — the extraction — ever addressed.
And that’s where I come in.
Here are five things you likely were never taught in school about effective communication.
1. How to actually listen
I was once “coached” by a business consultant that if I wanted to give off the perception of being a good listener, I needed to place my hands on the table or the armrests of my chair with my palms up, I needed to nod my head every 30 seconds or so, and I needed to mirror the other person's body language.
“So, I need to act like I’m listening,” I thought to myself.
Active listening has become such a pervasive business-y buzzword that listening has become a performance to be delivered rather than an authentic giving of your attention.
You know what’s better than active listening?
Actually. Listening.
Set aside your rush to respond and place your ego on hold and see if you can not only hear the words someone is saying, but try to get a sense for why they’re saying it.
I’ve found that the best way to get in this mindset is to listen to ask follow-up questions rather than listen to respond with your own thoughts and opinions. If your goal is to ask more questions and to dig deeper, then you can do nothing but listen more deeply.
2. How to ask questions free from opinion or assumption
There's a difference between asking a question in a way that expresses genuine interest in a person and asking a question where you believe you already know the answer.
We so often ask questions and use them as weapons, where they are laced with so much of our own opinions and assumptions that the questions come off as accusatory and damning rather than inquisitive and inviting.
Rarely do we find ourselves on the witness stand during trial, but so often, the questions we face make it feel as if we are.
There's a huge difference between asking...
“You’re pro-life so you believe women should have no say over their own bodies?”
and
“Can you walk me through how you came to adopt a pro-life stance rather than pro-choice?”
Questions have the power to unlock experiences, or they have the power to create battle lines and defenses.
3. The difference between empathy, sympathy, understanding, and agreement
Let’s walk through each one in a hypothetical conversation, shall we?
Empathy: “I disagree with your stance on economic incentives for big companies, but I can see how someone like you with your background and experience might find those type of policies advantageous for our economy.”
Sympathy: “I am so sorry that the economic policies recently put in place have contributed to your business closing. I imagine you are so angry and confused right now.”
Understanding: “Until you explained to me your business structure and how the recent economic policies have affected your business, I just assumed they were a good thing. Thank you for helping me see a clearer picture of the situation.”
Agreement: “You and I disagree on exactly how we get there, but I agree with you that the current economic policies have flaws that are causing a strain on businesses like yours and that more effort needs to be committed to fixing the system.”
4. How to give space
Interruption in conversation is the quickest way to ensure effective communication is stifled.
But again, look at the examples we've been given.
Remember the first Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden in 2020? It was horrific how often both men interrupted the other. The debate had no point and accomplished nothing.
Watch any cable news talk show and count how often the hosts interrupt their guests.
Heck, make note of how often it happens in your next conversation with a friend or coworker.
We’re all so in a rush to get our own thoughts and ideas out that we railroad others to ensure we capture the spotlight.
Giving space offers two benefits:
It gives your counterpart a chance to complete their thoughts so that you might better understand what they’re saying
It gives you time to collect your own thoughts and produce more meaningful dialogue that spurs action
Getting comfortable with silence is one of the hardest communication techniques to learn, but know this: There are no timers, and your answers are not being graded.
Slow down. Breathe. Take your time.
5. How to clarify
This is an extension of asking questions free from opinions or assumptions.
Even after you’ve asked a few questions, you must get honest with yourself and check-in to make sure you truly understand what you’ve heard or read.
If not, ask more questions. Clarify what the person said by repeating back to them what you believe you’ve heard.
If they agree with your assessment, move forward. If they don’t, ask more questions.
We often skip clarification because deep down, we’re afraid we might face some uncomfortable truths that conflict with our previously held beliefs, and that cognitive dissonance is too much for us to handle.
So what now?
I don’t expect that an article that takes 5 minutes to read can reverse decades of learned behavior.
But I’ve gotta believe it’s a start.
Practice these techniques. Be aware of when you default to the opposite.
And if nothing else, remember to keep asking questions.
Interested in improving your communication skills and presence? Learn more about what it’s like to work with me as your communications coach.
